shut the (front) door

Closure is complicated.

We seek closure to move on from painful experiences. As some who has dealt with, and is still fearful of, emotional abandonment I always need closure.

As I’m currently trying to seek closure from a lost relationship, I started to think about what I’m really looking for. What does it really mean to have closure?

For me, exploring closure has brought to my attention what closure is not.

Closure is not knowing exactly why he didn’t want me. It isn’t continually asking what was wrong with me that made him want to move on. No matter how well I justify knowing what turned him off, that isn’t closure. Though the current person has claimed that there was nothing wrong with me, if he told me something was wrong, I would beat myself up about it. I would strive to be better in that area so that he would want me later. To be honest, that would be the exact opposite of closure. Knowing my imperfections and trying to change them, on my side, would leave the door open. I would still be working towards being with someone who did not want me to begin with.

Closure isn’t taking the blame. I was not the only reason the relationship did not work out. The relationship did not revolve around me, it was between me and someone else. It feels a lot easier to say “oh, it was all my fault, I’m the problem.” But that just isn’t true. I am not perfect and this guy wasn’t either. His heart could not be with me, he wanted different things, and that is not my fault. It is no reflection of me as a person, but instead a reflection of his needs. I wanted more from him, I wanted things he wasn’t giving me and again, that is not a reflection of him but instead a reflection of my desires. I can’t blame myself for not being all he wanted, he shouldn’t settle for less than what he wants and I shouldn’t either.

One more thing closure is not: it’s not having all the answers. In other situations where I have needed closure, I have begged for answers to questions that will not facilitate my ability to move on. Knowing why someone hurt me or what their inner thoughts were while hurting me is not going to make me feel better. It’s going to make me question everything, lose trust, and feel more abandoned. Though I tell myself that knowing why things happened will help me heal, it just leads to more self-doubt and shame.

It has become clear to me that closure is acceptance. It is honoring the good times while honoring the pain of losing something that made me feel incredible. There’s no blame in closure, there’s no fault. But instead, closure is recognizing that things went wrong. It is acknowledging your vulnerability and growing from your pain.

Rejection, lost, betrayal, abandonment.. they all suck. They are all worth a big, ugly cry but they are not the end of connection. Closure is about YOU. Closure is about your authentic self, looking at her, praising her, and telling her it is okay to be hurt. Closure is missing the past but knowing that the future is brighter because you’ve learned about yourself and you’ve grown to be more equip to trust harder, stand taller, and love more purely.

You are a queen. You are strong. You are perfectly imperfect and pain does not make you less attractive. Pain makes you authentic, needing closure makes you genuine, and there is nothing more beautiful than the vulnerability of sharing your true self.