naive

the problem is that i’m so in love with you.

so in love that i’d let you drag me to hell if it meant that you’d hold my hand

all

the

way

down.

sun

i’ve been asleep for twenty years,

alone in the darkness of my own mind.

now that i’m finally awake, now that you’ve woken me up, i see the sun.

the brightest part of every one of my days.

the beginning of the youngest and oldest me.

you.

come back

not once have i seen another woman’s body and longed to have it.

i don’t wish to look in the mirror and see anyone else.

i give myself grace when looking at others; i find more desire in my own reflection.

i only want my body… my former body.

the body that defied odds, resembled perfection, carried my soul through hurricanes of chaos.

comparison kills but the girl i want to be already died.

learning

I am learning to be whole.

I am learning I am enough.

I am learning that it is okay to take up space.

I am learning to listen.

I am learning to heal.

I am learning acceptance.

I am learning to slow down.

I am learning to breathe.

I am learning to live.

In everything I do, I am learning.

daylight

you are not defined by the words of people who do not know you; nor the actions of those who do not respect you.

you are:

the intention you set for each day,

the way you view every sunrise and sunset,

the things that make you laugh until you cry,

the songs that bring you right back to your favorite moments,

the grace you carry yourself with through your worst days,

the growth you show each and every day,

the way you inspire others just by being yourself,

the vulnerability you display,

and the truth you speak.

you are the most precious being, not because someone else sees it, but because you know it.

by Me

there’s a dangerous beauty to writing,

it’s just you, your thoughts, your voice.

writing is a world without interruption. no one to listen to but the voices of your own mind.

it is bliss.

but indulge just a little and your narrative too quickly becomes one of a fantasy.

starving

oh food, i hate you

but i love your taste

stop eating, ashlyn! my god, look at your waist.

calories, calories, calories galore

i throw up as i cry on the bathroom floor.

this cell i'm in,

it is like a cage

i hate myself, i'm filled with rage.

to be so skinny, it is all i need

so it is myself, i shall not feed.

fall

i’m at the edge of a cliff. but everyone else is walking on solid ground. passing me by.

i don’t understand how you’re not preparing. why you haven’t thought twice about jumping.

my stomach is in knots, my heart rate above the clouds. with one step forward i’m

safe?

my power

i’m proud that as a woman who has a voice, a mind, and a soul, 

i don’t use them to tear down other women. 

secure

it took me long enough to learn that

hurting others will not heal your own pain.

you cannot

break someone else’s heart and hope that their pieces fill your own.

feel your pain,

live your truth.

happiness comes from success,

from loving the life you live because it’s the one chance you have.

happiness is evolution

and recovery.

glass

in a world polluted with plastic,

i am glass.

fragile, brutally transparent,

difficult to break, but easily shattered.

i have a life like no other,

reserved for the most grandiose of occasions.

i am a product of the elements.

a fiery soul, with a heart of ice.

try as you might to emulate my magnificence,

only the blind can’t see the difference between

plastic and glass.

obsession

how foolish you are attempting to recreate my past;

the very thing i run from. a thing of chaos and delicacy. a pain you simply will never know, as the hurt burns with the intensity of a devotion you cannot have.

i hold no resentment, no desire, no longing. there is no page left unwritten.

just my condolences, but understanding, that you must mimic the beauty of my own destruction to feel above my untouchable legacy.

…. it really was so beautiful.

yet, beauty cannot be created in such a way. it comes from the divine, not the imitation of man.

just think- why are you here?

to love you

hearts can’t live on hope alone,

but

god

if

they

could

fuckable

my body is not one that is craved by men.

no one looks at my figure and longs to be inside of it. 

but inside is as far as they get. 

we can have sex but we cannot be in love. 

my mind is dark and my life is full of complications.

my stipulations are disguised as boundaries and my insecurity is disguised as morals.

i’m too much of everything. i’m too much to worry about and too much to handle. 

the moment our bodies part from one another begins the ticking of a clock… waiting for you to see me the way i do. 

to see that i destroy what i touch. to see that i can ruin even the best and brightest of days.

i’m waiting for the second you realize that i am only someone to look at, only someone to touch, but not to love. 

of all the pretty things, why would you take home the broken one?

wildfire

i’ve never understood why people compare love to fire.

we compare love to something equally as dangerous as it is beautiful. 

an all consuming burst of brightness with the potential to burn out with a sudden change in element.

we compare the most deep feeling of affection to something so easily extinguishable.

we compare it to the vary thing that hurts those who get closest to it. the thing that leaves scars. the thing that destroys lives. 

but how fitting to say my love for you was like a wildfire. 

lost

i found you where the ocean wasn't mapped.

we set sail to the islands undiscovered.

we came to rule a land of two.

you made love to my mind with words of a language only we knew.

we bathed in a passion we though could never run dry.

but the figment of romance died.

we had never been alone.

darling

i guess the thing about breakups is that they never hurt the way i thought they would,

because i saw it coming all along.

i don’t know how you could leave, but we always knew you could never stay.

just a thought

Think about how much you have to hate a person to starve them to death.

truth

Something you need to know:

Starving yourself is only perpetuating the belief that you are

worthless.

hurt

The floor became my sanctuary

and the walls saw all my tears.

It’s funny how I thought God was there

but it seems like nobody can hear…

me.