Opps! I Did It Again!

I watched a sad movie. The OG sad movie about love and chronic illness: “The Fault in Our Stars.”

To be completely honest, this is the one and only movie that ever makes me cry. Without fail, when I need a good cry, I rent TFIOS on Amazon and cue the water works.

When I was watching it most recently, I sort of realized why it’s my go-to sad movie. It’s all about being sick and someone loving you despite your sickness. Hazel Grace, the main character, is also pretty obsessed with her illness. Now, I do not have cancer, thank god, I do not have any terminal illness. I do, however, have chronic illness, gastroparesis and anorexia. I would be lying if I said I was not a little obsessed with my illnesses.

In the film, Hazel’s friend Gus asks her to tell her story. He’s trying to get to know her and learn about her but Hazel’s immediate response is to tell her cancer story. What he goes on to clarify is that he doesn’t care about her cancer, he wants to know her interests, hobbies, the things that make up her personality outside of sickness. Hazel has trouble answering as she reads the same book and spends most of her time is centered around treatment and illness. Unfortunately, I relate.

Again, I am so thankful to not have an immediately life-threatening condition, yet I only identify myself by my illnesses. When I’m asked my story, and believe it or not, it has happened, my immediate thoughts go to: “when I was in kindergarten, I remember being the tallest and biggest girl in the class…” To be fair, my identity as a student at my university eventually comes into play, but it comes after a long, boring recount of my self-hatred and stents in hospitals due to anorexia.

I have no clue what my hobbies are. Most often, I reply saying “I don’t really know what my hobbies are, I’m still trying to figure that out.” I might even go on to explain that every time I am in treatment I learn to knit but let’s be real no normal girl in her twenties identifies herself as a hospital knitter. But no one pushes past there. I need to push myself past there because in my twenties, I am bound to have some type of life outside of the walls of every local (or distant) eating disorder unit. In fact, I do have a life outside of those places.

Without bringing my disorder or treatment history into the picture, I am going to try to describe myself.

I am a tall, funny, blonde girl. I haven’t always been blonde, one time I dyed my hair red in middle school to look like Ed Sheeran. Feel free to laugh and cringe at that because why the hell would anyone, let alone a fourteen-year-old girl, want to look like Ed Sheeran by choice.

That leads me into my love for music and concerts. I’m a Taylor Swift fan, everyone knows this, but she is my queen. I’ve seen her eleven times, on six different tours, in five different cities, across four states. I’ve also seen Ed Sheeran on a 9-hour trip with my dad after a September day in high school. Growing up I went to country concerts with my best friend and her family which will always serve as some of my most fond memories. Right now, I would love to see Taylor Swift again or Morgan Wallen, two artists on the top of my playlists.

I love sports. Hockey is my absolute favorite sport to watch. I’ve been going to NHL games since I was a little nugget and at age three I could name every player on my favorite team by their number and nickname (not necessarily their real nickname, just the one I game them. Shout out to Glen Washing Machine, some know him as Glen Wesley.) To this day, I can name every local NHL player by name though my interests (in men) have spread throughout the NHL.

I played soccer for the longest time. I was good- a lot better than I ever gave myself credit for. If I hadn’t been so scared, I probably could have played at a much higher level. Recently my dad apologized for “pushing me so hard” when I was younger to do well in sports, but the truth is, I wished he had pushed me harder. I enjoy a good challenge and looking back I would have loved to see myself play to my full potential. I was a goalie and unfortunately that ended during my freshman year of high school after I broke my hip.

After a longggg time of recovery (from my broken hip), which included figuring out how to walk on two feet after being on crutches for eight weeks, I decided to play lacrosse. Still timid, I showed up to my first practice and basically cried the whole time because I was terrified of being the worst. Silly me, we all sucked. I ended up making the varsity team that year and played for two seasons. Lacrosse was fun, again I put in the work and ended up being pretty good. Lacrosse girls can get mean so my natural end to lacrosse came at a good time.

Overall, as I’m writing this, I’m seeing some really cool things in myself. Obviously, this is not my whole self, just a few aspects of myself but overall, I’m pretty daring and determined. I’m a quick learner and when I want to do something I’ll stop at no costs until I’m great. I get in my own way but besides that, I am unstoppable. This has shown in my academic life as I’ve recently finished a perfect semester (4.0 BAYYYBEEEE) and I am thriving in my current classes.

This writing has also shown me that I’m a decent person. I shy away from being proud even though a little confidence wouldn’t hurt me. I also like people to be happy. Lacrosse didn’t make me the happiest because there was a lot of drama across my team. Soccer made me ecstatic because I worked hard for it with support from my friends. Hockey continues to make me happy as it is a way for my dad and I to bond. Concerts serve the same purpose as my family is always willing to travel with me to see my favorite artists.

Outside of being sick, I am Ashlyn: a cool, silly, sarcastic, ridiculously compassionate girl who happens to be somewhat decent at a lot of things. I’m coming into a love for writing and sharing who I am. I may try to focus more on my life outside of anorexia but that will be quite a challenge. I also recognize this is a blog about my recovery so continue to expect themes around my conditions.

I’m proud of myself for writing this. When I began, I planned for it to go into a darker side of why I love being sick but forcing myself to recount my life without my illness was very therapeutic. It’s something everyone could benefit from- think of yourself in only the positive ways: the things that make you happy, the things that make you grow. Though often darkness leads us to light, negative experiences are what make us who we are, they are not who we are.