sad today

I’ve come to the recent conclusion that I can be best described as a superficial woman of depth.

I’m a terrible feminist. I think everyone has a beautiful body and she should live unashamed of her body and woman-hood. Except me. Somewhere along the line of life, I have become the exception to such grace and freedom.

There’s a lot to me. I’m decently intellectual and I genuinely have a huge heart. I’m not scared to share my somewhat controversial opinions on topics I feel strongly about while also being open-minded. I notice people who don’t meet society’s “normal” standards, as my dream job is to work with autistic adults. I work hard in school and I push myself.

However, when it comes to my appearance, I’m as superficial as they come. I spend literal hours staring at myself each day picking my imperfections apart. From the second I’m awake until my eyes close at night, I’m convincing myself not to eat or shaming myself because I did eat.

My life and my identity revolve around my appearance because I choose those things to define me. My safety comes from being in a small body, one that could gain a little weight without even being considered fat. My happiness comes from going days without eating a full meal and feeling the sweet burn of my stomach acid begging for something to consume. My strength comes from spending months locked on hospital units forced to eat but I come back out and prove that no one can change me or my body. My pride comes from being cold in a warm room and hearing that maybe I should try eating a burger.

I’ve been in therapy for years and honestly it has helped me find aspects of myself away from starvation. Unfortunately, it hasn’t lead me away from my dear anorexia. It feels like as I find new interests they’re added to the list of what makes Ashlyn, rather than replacing my maladaptive behaviors. These new things help me take up space without it having to be physical space.

I find an extreme peace in knowing that at any point I can stop eating and lose weight, something most people are not strong enough to do. I also feel special knowing that I approve this life for myself but would never recommend it to others, like I can beat biology but no one else should try, the repercussions are very literally fatal.

My eating disorder meets so many needs. It covers up pain. It gives me safety. It gives me control. It makes me feel less lonely. It tells me that I’m working hard and the results show. It makes me feel empowered. It makes me feel beautiful.

The irony in this is that all of the things listed above are illusions. Eating disorders cause pain both physical and mental. They destroy the health of your body meaning you’re never truly safe. There’s no control in an eating disorder, you’re constantly a slave to your own mind. Eating disorders are isolating and diminish your sense of self. The beauty thing I can’t speak to objectively so I won’t try to, but I have been told that being underweight is unattractive.

Getting back to my main point: there is so much to me as a person yet the thing I love the most and spend the most time with is the superficial aspects of me. I am a superficial woman of depth and I don’t know yet if I love it or hate it.