folklore
In case you didn’t know, our American Queen, Miss Taylor Swift, released a surprise album on July 24th. Honestly, when I first heard about it (via my dad lol), I didn’t believe it was actually happening. Then it came out and I was shocked by how different and beautiful it was.
The album is more intimate and personal than some of her past albums and there are more, maybe “real-life themes” than past albums. It’s crazy how I feel like she is always writing about my life; it feels like we’re growing together.
I decided to point out some of my favorite lyrics that relate to me, my eating disorder, and my life. To be upfront, not all the meanings I have found in the lyrics relate to the full meaning of the song.
Feel free to read or skip this blog because it’s long a probably not interesting to anyone but me.
Side note: using only lowercase letters in her titles is the best thing that has ever happened. I AM HERE FOR IT.
So are you …ready for it?
the 1:
“I’m on some new shit, saying ‘yes’ instead of ‘no’ ” .. like yes queen, we should all being saying “yes” more. Saying “no” leads to regrets and missed opportunities. I follow by saying that if you feel uncomfortable or unsafe saying “no” is one hundred percent, forever and always, okay!
“and if you never bleed, you’re never going to grow” …again, YES QUEEN. We learn from our mistakes, you have to know the lows to know the highs. You have to get hurt to learn about yourself and the only way a wound heals is through new growth.
“never leaving well enough alone” ….wOw, call me out Taylor. This is a lyric from a past album (Lover) that made its second appearance but even in the Lover era it hit pretty hard. I have problems always wishing I could have more or better. I’ve lost a lot of things and people because I don’t want to miss out on something better. Perfection isn’t real; letting things be things and people be themselves is so important, and when you’ve got it good: ENJOY IT.
cardigan:
“you drew stars around my scars” …beautiful. I lost someone who really accepted my crappy mental health and I took that for granted. It feels amazing when someone looks past your flaws and sees you for you, make sure to recognize those people, they’re few and far between.
the last great american dynasty:
“she had a marvelous time ruining everything” …my eating disorder. Anorexia ruins everything: my body, my relationships, my fun but she [anorexia] sure does love it and boy, is it grand. Later the lyrics change to “I had a marvelous time ruining everything” which really embodies who I am when I am deep in my disorder. Everything is crumbling around me but the number on the scale keeps going down and somehow that feels like everything.
Alternatively, I think this lyric can be seen in the light of embracing your individuality and power. Some things aren’t made to last, so ruining things (like diet culture and fatphobia) while embracing your own strength can be both marvelous and empowering.
exile:
BON IVER IS ON THIS SONG AND IT IS SO BEAUTIFUL AND DELICATE AND PERFECT.
“we always walked a very thin line, you didn’t even hear me out” … fighting with my ex before we broke up for me to go to treatment was one of the worst things. I felt like we broke up because he couldn’t handle my disorder. It seemed for months that both of us were tiptoeing around the fact that I was dwindling away both mentally and physically. I felt like he didn’t try to see things from my perspective and that he didn’t try to help me. Ultimately, this ended up being so far from the truth, he’s super supportive and a great friend, but it doesn’t take the legitimacy of those feelings from those moments.
my tears ricochet:
“I didn’t have it in myself to go with grace” …I don’t tend to end things in a pretty way. In fact, it goes back to ruining everything. I’m scared of regret; regret sucks. I also let my ego get in the way. When I leave, it’s like a tornado came through demolished everything, I like to refer to myself as a little natural disaster. I ruin things before they can ruin me. Truth be told, it leaves everything and everyone hurt but I guess I haven’t found it in me to leave peacefully.
I also think these lyrics have power from the perspective of not letting someone step all over you but instead raising hell to defend yourself and your beliefs.
mirrorball:
I have to be completely honest, this is not my favorite song. However, a bad TSwift song still finds its way to the Billboard 100 charts.
“and when I break, its in a million pieces” …again, nothing I do is graceful. I build my emotions up until the only thing I can do is cry, paralyzed by the pain that makes my soul send shivers through my body, trying to escape from myself.
“I can change everything about me to fit in” …I literally kill myself to meet the ungodly standards of society.
“I’ve never been a natural, all I do is try, try, try” …I don’t feel like things come to me very easily. Socially, physical fitness, intellect, pretty much anything. I try so hard, maybe that’s part of the problem. All I do is try, try, try.
seven:
Honestly, it was a little overwhelming to hear this song written about such a specific year in life (seven). It was another one of those times where I swear Taylor was writing about my life.
“I hit my peak at seven” …sad, but I was eight when life started to get hard. Emotionally, my childhood past seven was hard. Not “oh, pity me” hard but I wasn’t carefree, making mistakes without embarrassment, or enjoying myself. I miss being young without knowing that the world can be pretty ugly. Which pretty much sums up the lyrics: “Are there still beautiful things?”
“And I’ve been meaning to tell you: I think your house is haunted, your dad is always mad and that must be why” …I don’t know that I have the words to explain this lyric openly, but it certainly makes me feel a lot of things.
august:
“you weren’t mine to lose”… I attach to people quickly. I’ve felt the loss of someone who was never mine and I find some validation in this lyric. Its hard to care for someone who doesn’t have the same feelings and then to lose them is a whole other pain.
this is me trying:
my song. my everything. Taylor really wrote a whole ass song solely about me. Again: A QUEEN. All the lyrics, they belong to me.
“They told me all of my cages were mental, so I got wasted like all my potential, and my words shoot to kill when I’m mad, I have a lot of regrets about that. I was so ahead of the curve, the curve became a sphere, fell behind all my classmates and ended up here, pouring my heart out to a stranger but I didn’t pour the whiskey. I just want you to know that this is me trying.”
illicit affairs:
“Don’t call me “kid” don’t call me “baby,” look at this godforsaken mess that you made me.” …affairs aren’t fair.
invisible string:
“and isn’t it just so pretty to think, that all along there was some invisible string typing you to me?” …so pretty, so romantic, so hopeful. I hope I feel this way when I look back on life with my husband. (assuming someone wants to marry me at some point lol.)
mad woman:
“every time you call me crazy, I get more crazy… when you say I seem angry, I get more angry.” …I think for some reason this happens to a lot of people, well maybe just me, but as soon as someone says something like “oh, you’re crazy” or “oh, you’re mad” I feel the need to prove them right. When I get the most offended, I feel like, if someone thinks that way about me it must be true, so I’ll show you real crazy or real mad if you want to see it. Ironically, if I’m called “fat,” the opposite reaction occurs and I WILL prove them wrong.
“What a shame she went mad, no one likes a mad woman” …voices saying “no one likes a fat girl” flood my mind when I read these lyrics. “Awh what a shame she’s fat, what a shame she has an eating disorder, what a shame she’s not perfect, no one likes a girl like that.” The voices in my head are brutal. But at the same time, the empathy of these lyrics are powerful. The mad woman didn’t start out mad, the lyrics go on to say “…you made her like that…you’ll poke that bear ‘til her claws come out…” We hate the way people respond to the stresses we put them through, “we” meaning the world, but really think about it. I’ll use my own life as an example. (disclaimer I blame no one for my disorder) When I was heavier, I was called fat, told to “go eat a carrot," told that no one could love me, the whole kit and caboodle. When I lost weight and met a more socially accepted weight, people felt sorry for me that I starved myself and told me to “eat a burger.” People didn’t like when I was skinny, people didn’t like when I was fat, it is a wonder we don’t all go mad but we make each other like that.
-I also have to say I feel completely elated and empowered when Taylor says, “fuck” in this song.
epiphany:
“only twenty minutes to sleep, but you dream of some epiphany, just one single glance of relief, to make some sense of what you’ve seen” …watching my grandpa slowly slip away from Parkinson’s disease was one of the hardest parts of my teenage years. This song makes me think of him; I was always hoping he would get better. On one of our last phone calls my Papa was at his home and he wasn’t feeling well but he was having a day where his dementia wasn’t bad. He knew who I was and what was going on, before hanging up I said: “I hope you feel better Papa.” He replied saying: “I don’t think that will ever happen.”
betty:
a jam.
“the worst thing that I ever did, was what I did to you” …this speaks to a lot of people in my life. Forcing my parents and the rest of my family, as well as my friends, to put up with me getting sick. Anorexia is hard on the anorexic but it doesn’t stop there. There is no way to slowly kill yourself without slowly killing the people around you.
-also another great song with the word “fuck”
peace:
“but the rain is always going to come if you’re standing with me” …having an eating disorder makes it hard to not feel like a burden to everyone around me. I am the biggest burden to my family. When it comes to relationships, nothing feels certain, I’m scared to be with someone because I know my disorder will always take top priority over any man. My disorder is the rain that comes and when it rains, it mother freaking pours. If you’re with me, you’re with my disorder and it really fucking sucks.
“the devil’s in the details, but you’ve always got a friend in me” …life with me isn’t easy but I do love the hell out of people. I love so hard it scares me but I’m loyal, even when my life is a mess. There might be some crazy stipulations with my eating disorder, but I’m always there to support the people I care about.
hoax:
“stood on the cliff-side screaming, “give me a reason” …I’d be lying if I said I’ve never been suicidal. I think about it a lot actually. Escaping my mind and my body feels like bliss. I’m scared to die and I would never end my own life but an escape would be nice sometimes.
Well, I went through the whole album. I have a huge appreciation for you if you’ve made it this far and cared enough to read about my relation to the new Taylor Swift album. I did this mostly so I could get all my feelings out instead of texting my therapist every time a different lyric spoke to me. But again, you’re the bomb.
