miss misery
If there’s one thing I don’t do it’s move on. I don’t move on from my eating disorder, from old relationships, from things that don’t serve me. I give my all to everything because the alternative terrifies me.
I never learned how to move on. Many of the most important relationships in my life have seemed to vanish at random and maybe that’s part of it. I haven’t received a lot of closure in my life. There were friendships during my childhood that ended seemingly overnight and my best relationship ended when I left college for treatment. Even my eating disorder seems to vanish as soon as I step into a hospital. I have no trust that things will stay so I can’t possibly let them go on my own.
I don’t even know where to begin with a lot of it. wikiHow says the first step is mourning the relationship and I’m pretty good at that so maybe I do know how to start but I don’t know where to go from there. Step two is cutting off contact and that’s where I bow out. The thought of losing contact scares me. What if something bad happens and we need to talk? What if I find that I can’t do life without them?
I think a lot of my hardship comes from taking that thought one step father; what if I can’t do life without them but they can do life without me?
My mind always goes to the worst place no matter what the situation but I feel a particular emptiness thinking about the end of relationships. I envision myself alone in my apartment crying in insurmountable pain as I’m watching the world go on without me. These tend to be feelings I have even away from my made-up sad girl scinario. I’m at a place in life where my friends have graduated college but I’m still there, they have jobs and these grand opportunities to meet new people. I see it the same with intimate relationships, I’ve been seeing a guy who lives 200 miles from me, is constantly traveling, and has a life that could easily go on without me.
There are days where I feel like the loneliest person in the world.
I rely on people to tell me who I am. I rely on friendships to show me that people can tolerate my presence and validate that I’m a funny, easy-going, lively gal. I rely on relationships to show me that I’m valuable, lovable, beautiful, and worth the undivided affection of another being. I rely on my eating disorder to give me confidence, a sense of superiority and control, even if those are false senses.
When you get down to it, the only thing about me that comes from me is the process of altering myself. I hate that I can’t be the exact thing each and every person individually needs at any given time. I have a need to be needed, a need to be special. It’s so unhealthy, I know this, but it consumes me. I’m in no way saying that I’m an incredible, always selfless, giving person but I’m so focused on making myself fit into a role that I forget to check if I’m even supposed to.
Moving on is hard because I hate when I’m not the solution. I hate when I’m not the person of someone’s dreams or the lifelong best friend or the girl who can wear anything because she’s so damn skinny nothing could look bad. I don’t like being average, I can’t even accept being at an average weight, I have to be smaller and smaller and smaller.
At the same time that I’m trying to fit into every role, I’m trying to stand out as an individual.
WHAT A DIALECTIC.
I know with every part of my being that I have to let go of things. I have to accept that people move on and that I deserve to as well. I don’t need to live in fear of ten year or even ten day old haunts. I have to live the present life and that life has to be one I’m living to make myself happy.
But right now, I really feel like I have no idea how to.
