apology letter

I feel like everyday I should be carrying around an apology letter to hand out to anyone I cross paths with. I feel the need to apologize to everyone for every part of me.

There are times when I’m walking around a store and I have urge to yell at people that I’m sorry for who I am. If I’m looking at clothes and someone sees me I want to apologize for my body and tell them I haven’t always been this size. If I’m looking at makeup I want to tell everyone that I just like to experiment and that I know I’m not pretty or good at doing my own makeup.

I wake up really late and want to tell my family that I’m sorry I’m worthless and lazy. I’m sorry that I’m depressed and can’t fathom pulling myself out of bed. I’m sorry for missing the first four hours of your day because I felt like I couldn’t handle them. I’m sorry for constantly being a financial burden and for always letting my mental health ruin your own.

I want to tell the boys I have relationships with that I’m sorry I care so much. I’m sorry that I need reassurance and that I’m so scared of being abandoned. I’m sorry that I can’t always trust that you find me attractive or want to be with me. I’m sorry that I overthink everything and frustrate you with my incessant thoughts. I’m sorry that some of my actions are scary and that I worry you all the time. I’m sorry I talk so much and hold on to every last word we share.

I want to tell my friends that I’m sorry I can’t always put a smile on my face and pretend like I’m having a good time. I’m sorry I drink too much when I’m sad and you have to come pick me up. I’m sorry I keep to myself and come out when I get too lonely. I’m sorry I’m a shitty friend but expect you not to be.

I’m sorry to my treatment team that I can’t just get better. I’m sorry I can’t put into action all the things that we talk about and I can’t just give up on the things that have made me feel whole. I’m sorry I’m a raging bitch in some of our sessions and that I sometimes come home and tell my parents that you’re assholes just because you challenged me.

I’m sorry I don’t post as much as I used to and that everything I write feels too stupid to post. I’m sorry you had to read this.

In all of my sorry I never stop to apologize to myself. I never say sorry to the girl who I have tried to kill every single day for six years.

I assume that everyone deserves to hear my apology because I’m a burden in their life. I know that sounds stupid but I assume that no one else would ever let themselves be this size or look this way or care they way I do or sleep as late as I do or complain as much as I do or ___ as much as I do so I apologize for being a way no one else is.

Truth be told, the only reason I would be burdening anyone else is because I feel like such a burden to myself. I let my insecurity be more important than fact. No one cares what makeup I wear, my parents wouldn’t support me if they didn’t love me, guys wouldn’t spend time investing in me if they didn’t want to be with me, my friends wouldn’t pick me up if they didn’t value me, my treatment team wouldn’t fight for me if they felt like I was a hopeless case. Yet, I still tell myself that when people see me, they see a waste of life.

When I choose to believe the voice in my head, I’m choosing to believe that I’m the only one that is right. When I believe that I’m the only one that is right and that I can’t trust others, I enter a vicious cycle of shame because I very truly know that a lot of times I’m wrong and I am self-aware enough to recognize that no one is perfect.

The shame brought on by cognitive dissonance ruins me and leaves me feeling confused. When I feel shameful, I feel apologetic and thus, the cycle continues.