half slices of pizza

The highs and the lows. This is a topic I have been trying to write about for a while now.

Being someone who seldom experiences casual emotions, but instead experiences emotions with the most intensity, pretty much every event in my life comes with high highs and low lows.

I’ve had a lot recently. A fun cabin weekend with friends that was probably the best day of my semester followed by a mental breakdown once my hangover wore off. An incredible day trip to see a new romantic interest followed by a road trip home where I experienced every emotion under the sun.

What I’m realizing about myself is that the highs and lows will always happen. They’ll probably always be pretty intense but I can choose to cope ahead and handle them with more grace. From my new romantic interest man person, I’m learning a lot about myself. He pushes me to be better while also accepting that I am where I am and I am who I am. One thing he’s helped me see more clearly is that as soon as I’m happy, experiencing a high, I’m preparing for the low. I get so caught up in the low that I’ll hide my smile because it feels too vulnerable, knowing the smile could be gone soon. I have a really hard time being in the good moments because I know when I’m feeling really good, it’s going to be followed by big sad moments.

I’ve also noticed that I have trouble being in the moment because I’m scared the good moments will never happen again. With friends, I assume its the best night I’ll get. I assume I’ll never have as much fun again which certainly contributes to the intensity of my lows. With this new relationship (of sorts), I’m scared we won’t share those moments again. I get so caught up in the fact that there’s a lot keeping us apart and that maybe the amazing days we’ve had recently will be the last ones we have together.

Processing all of these things really leads me to two major things causing my lows: insecurity and trust. My insecurity is massive. Obviously, I’m insecure about my body but I’m also insecure about my personality. Whether it’s how much I talk, feeling like I always say the wrong thing, or even the intensity of my emotions, I feel like I’m too much. I tell myself I’m too “extra” (for lack of better word) to have friends or be loved. I think my personality deters people and in the past I’ve used my anorexia and increasingly small body to compensate for the extravagance of my personality.

Then add that I have major trust issues. I don’t trust that my friends actually like me. I don’t trust that I’m invited places because people enjoy me but instead that they feel sorry for me. When it comes to love, I don’t trust that someone’s feelings for me will stay constant. I hate the end of the day, saying goodnight, because I’m terrified that they’ll wake up the next morning and see all my flaws, realizing that I’m not worth it. This new man continually tells me no matter what happens with our future, he’ll always be there but my brain won’t accept that. I’m so damn convinced that I’m unlovable and unworthy that he couldn’t possibly want to stay.

But truth be told, I can’t be all bad. I can have flaws in my body or in my personality without being unworthy. My brain CAN be wrong. I can trust the guy I’m with even if things don’t go the way he says they will. I can choose to trust him, and trust my friends because that’s going to give me more peace than constantly waiting for a downfall. I have to live in the happy moments and enjoy spontaneous drives to see people or nights out downtown because they’re fun. It is only depriving myself of happiness to wait anxiously for sadness to strike.

I can hate it all I want but I am in charge of the way I feel. I decide if I have great experiences or really sad ones. I get to decide if my mind lives in the future or enjoys the present moment. I’m going to really work on choosing the good and putting trust into others. I’d rather have two good days than no good days.