for the hope of it all

Though yes, I absolutely pay $5.99 a month to watch every single Hallmark Christmas movie, Christmas isn’t my favorite. The holiday season always feels sad to me. In past years, like I’ve said, I’ve spent the holidays revving up to go to treatment, even spending a Christmas in residential treatment. Naturally, the end of the year causes me to think about all the progress I’ve made in the eleven months prior and that tends to be thoughts about how fast I’ve lost weight. This year is different in that my progress doesn’t have to do with lost weight. It has to do with gained weight and gained experience.

The weight gain is hard to accept, there is no pretty way to put it, it just sucks. But the experiences are rather exciting. When talking to my therapist, I was telling him about all I’ve accomplished this year. I talked about my car breaking down, going to the hospital alone, walking into random (school) clubs to make friends, and how every position I applied/ran for this year, I got. All very exciting stuff but I hesitated to say that I also learned that I’m capable of love. I was hesitant because I’ve always been ashamed to talk about my crushes or boyfriends, I’m insecure about those things for a lot of reasons but I want to dabble in them for a little bit.

In July of this year, I met a really amazing guy. I’ve mentioned him in a few of my blogs but he’s one of the more fun, intelligent, lovely people I know. We had a lot of fun together and he is genuinely the first person I’ve ever had the thought of loving.

Disclaimer: I don’t think I’ve ever been in love, so I don’t know if I loved him as I have nothing to compare the feeling to but long story short I realllllllllly like(d) him.

Our relationship was so pivotal to me because he was the first person I ever put before my disorder. When we were together I wasn’t thinking about the way I looked, granted I put a lot of time into my appearance before seeing him lol, I wasn’t focused on my body shape, or the size of my jeans all the time; I was focused on him and who he was. I loved being with him and having the mental freedom to care about someone else more than I cared about my physical traits.

Every time we found something new in common, spent more time together, sat and listened to sad country music, the closer I felt to being invested in him rather than invested in my disorder. The sense of belonging with someone else also pushed me to belong in friendships. I started going to different clubs and even met a best friend who I spent all of my time with too. I pushed myself to run for those positions and apply to things I wouldn’t have just six months earlier.

One of my bigger “self-discovery” moments came when our relationship transitioned from intimate to friendly. The let down was so hard. My heart, for the first time, felt genuinely broken. I cried a lot. I questioned myself a lot. My music reminded me of him, my apartment complex reminded me of him, the bars in my college town reminded me of him, THE ENTIRE BRAND NEW TAYLOR SWIFT folklore ALBUM REMINDED ME OF HIM and that is rough. I’ve never lost someone and had to continually be around the memories of them. My past relationships ended with me going to treatment so I got to run away but this time there it all was, in a sense, haunting me all of the time.

I had to learn to keep doing the things he pushed me to feel confident enough to do. I had to keep meeting people for coffee, going to new clubs, running for positions. I had to keep eating. Though I did some of those things to distract myself from the pain of our relationship being gone, it kept me going. I still have my friends, I still have my positions, and my clubs. I’ve even been able to be his friend too.

After explaining some of this to my therapist he asked me how I would feel if I saw this guy date someone else. Knowing me I was way too honest and I said that I would be devastated because he holds such a special place it my heart. I continued by saying that I try not to think about that right now because if I think too much about it I’ll drive myself crazy. Unfortunately, my insecurity and my anorexia often come across as nasty jealousy. It’s something that I’m working on a lot but it’s true. I think everyone knows how bad it hurts to see someone you really care about with someone else. But I also have hope that if things are meant to be they will be on their own time. I pray about that all the time. I pray for clarity and hope in a relationship that I hold so dearly. I pray for peace in him, that he gets everything he can dream of.

My year has been full of learning to be independent while also learning to be comfortable needing other people. I’ve learned to love, I’ve learned to cry over what hurts without being ashamed of my pain, I’ve even learned to eat too. The end of this year is sad because as time moves on I get further from the sweet memories I’ve made with so many people. My mind tells me that good things won’t continue to happen but I’m learning that they always do. The faith I have in God and the faith I have in my own strength are continually growing. I can choose to believe that this will be the only time I get to experience happiness, companionship, love, whatever it may be, or I can choose to trust that God’s got it and that Him and I can make those opportunities for me.

I’m choosing to have faith. I’ve had a hell of a year with and without my disorder; it doesn’t stop here.

adding my new fav evermore lyric:

there’ll be happiness after you

but there was happiness because of you

both of those things can be true