it's never simple, never easy
This might be the studiest thing I have ever said, but: do you ever get jealous of your cat? They wander around all day, loaf and sleep wherever and eat whenever. They don’t feel guilty or even think about their weight. I guess normal people don’t, but my sad, depressed, helpless, hopeless, nasty, anorexia-grieving self does almost every day.
I feel like all I ever talk about is grief.. but here I am, doing it again.
My whole life centers around the grief of my eating disorder, every single feeling I experience comes superglued to grief.
I wake up in the morning and feel my giant t-shirt caught under my hip: grief. I get on the scale before putting on my makeup: grief. I catch a glimpse of my profile in the mirror, face, and body: grief. I make lunch: grief. I stress out about the calories in my lunch: grief. I walk out the door saying I love you to my kitty and realize she’s going to lounge around all day and still be ten pounds forever: grief.
My entire day is filled with grief, and I’ve only been awake for 45 minutes.
The wild thing about my grief is that my eating disorder isn’t even gone. I still restrict, count calories, weigh myself, and use compensatory behaviors every freaking day. Honest to god, I feel like I’m losing my mind drowning in all of this grief.
One thing I have started to notice is how easily my eating disorder sneaks into my mind. I have hit this point in the year/in my job, where I am really missing college. I spend a lot of time wondering if it was worth it to rush my graduation and start working or if I should have stayed with the stable and meaningful life I was living. In college, I was a big fish in a little pond; I was a significant leader in many areas of campus life, passionate about what I was doing and thriving in all I did. I met any criticism about my performance or the work of my councils with passion and determination to pivot and make things great. At work, I meet criticism with frustration and the need to take up less space.
In college, I didn’t mind my flaws being pointed out because I had the passion for making a change and being the change, whereas now, I want to hide from anything flawed in myself or my performance.
Passion is something I have always struggled with. I have very few passions. The first thing to come to mind when I think about passion is anorexia. Passions are something you give every ounce of yourself to; they’re the things that are so worth it to you that you will fail 99 times because the 1 time you’re successful is a euphoric experience. They’re things that heal you and are there for you when it feels like nothing else is. They light up the deepest parts of your soul.
They’re anorexia in a girl who spends all her time at war with her own mind.
It’s not surprising that I grieve the parts of my disorder that feel lost.
Life feels hard; I am not enjoying my job, and I honestly cry every morning before going in. I love my boyfriend, I feel blessed to find someone I could spend every second of my life with, and I have unresolved pain from past experiences. No matter how many therapy sessions I go to, I never feel whole- I leave feeling like there are a million things wrong with me, and there’s nowhere to start making it better. I fear that my body is or will give up on me because of the trauma I have inflicted upon it, yet I still cannot force myself to eat. I hate myself every single second of the day.
There are so many days when I want to lie in bed and not think. Not think. Not eat. Not feel.
I feel like my posts have been less hopeful recently, which is not completely reflective of where I am in life. I’m doing many exciting things, too; I’m applying for Master's programs and going to hockey games all the time (my fav thing ever). I’m also exploring new areas in my city and investing in new friendships. It’s not all bad. There is hope, but grief comes too; I couldn’t be where I am now without my eating disorder and the life it gave me; sometimes, I don’t know which life feels better.