now i see daylight
Yesterday, I was in a situation where someone asked me what I’m passionate about. My own answer surprised me.
I’ve been asked about my passions many times and I have never known what to say. I don’t have a ton of hobbies and for someone who has spent years in therapy, I don’t know much about what makes me happy. But this time, when asked what I’m passionate about, I replied saying, “I’m passionate about recovery.”
You may all pause to either laugh or close your jaw because I know it dropped.
Truth be told, I’m very passionate about recovery. I’m passionate about eating disorder recovery, substance abuse recovery, trauma recovery, all of it. I think when you get down to the bottom of it, we are all recovering from something. No one lives a painless life; things hurt, people hurt, and it takes time to heal.
What I’m coming to realize is that passions aren’t the things you’re perfect at. They aren’t the only thing you focus on or the thing you’re an expert at. Instead, they’re what make you feel something, things that make you appropriately angry and drive you to make positive change. For me, recovery means that there is more. In my life, recovery means that my parents still have a daughter and my brother still has a sister, it means that there is a diploma waiting to be printed with my name on it, and that there is some fineeeee piece of man out there waiting to love me.
Recovery is not defined by the amount of days I follow my meal plan. It’s not the number of therapy sessions that I openly divulge my feelings in. It’s certainly not never getting on the scale and waking up in love with my body every single day. Recovery is the continual, fearless pursuit of demanding more for myself than a life succumbed to pain.
I am not recovered. My demons are not dead, my mind is seldom a happy place AND I am a completely different woman than I have ever been. I have been weight restored for a year, I have friends who value me, and I throw myself into social situations that terrify me. I am powerful gal, not because I’ve do everything right but because for once in my life, I’m trying and I’m working to honor my own self worth. That’s recovery and that’s what I’m passionate about.
