Let’s Talk About Sex

I’m not sure when men decided that “no” means to ask again, beg, or just take it as a “yes” but I’m here to set the record straight. NO MEANS NO.

Within the past few days I reconnected with an old friend from college who knew me in the earlier days of my eating disorder. He knew me at a time where I wasn’t my skinniest but I started at a higher weight and dropped pounds rapidly. Whether he remembers or not, days before I left college to go to treatment, he told me: “Stop hating yourself. You look so much better than you did when you first got to school.” I should have discontinued our friendship then but he isn’t all that bad of a guy even though he clearly has no concern for his words.

Anyways, this guy and I were pretty close. We spent most weekends together, with friends in a social situation, and he was always at my dorm hanging out with me and my suite-mates. I developed a pretty big crush on him and the feelings were mutual. To be completely honest and to prevent myself from portraying the role of a victim, this guy and I spent some drunken times alone making out. Nothing ever went farther than that but it is important to note that those were consensual interactions. It also is important to note that when getting to college, I spent a lot of time with a lot of different guys which is completely different than how I present myself or spend my time now.

So, like I said, this guy and I reconnected over some memories of early college days together. We also, again had some drunken FaceTimes reminiscing on those days together and joking about the crushes we had on each other. It was all innocent until he took that conversation as an indication that I still wanted him in a way that was more than friendly. What started as Snapchats asking to see my bra has turned into fake conversations telling me I’m pretty and begging me to get “freaky.”

Let me be very clear here, the only freaky thing about me is my mental health. I’m focused on me right now not on men.

So on my most recent Factime with this guy, we started out with a nice conversation. He showed me the computer he just built as he is a computer engineer and we talked a little about my life. We continued with funny stories about college and then he began to bring up things I didn’t remember. He began to talk about times we supposedly spent after class in my room doing somewhat unsavory things. Again, I’m not being a victim; I genuinely do not remember any of these things happening. The conversation proceeded with him telling me he was in a good mood and that we should get “freaky.” (side note: I am very quickly coming to be disgusted by the word “freaky.”) I said no and told him I’m shy— NOT THAT I NEED TO JUSTIFY NOT WANTING TO DO ANYTHING.

He asked to see my body and I told him I hate my body and I’m not showing anyone. He then told me that he’s seen it before and he knows it’s “fine.” Okay boys, no matter who it is, anorexic or not, pretty or not, 547289 pounds or 2 pounds, do not tell a woman her body is fine. If you really want to get with someone at least hype her up a little bit. That’s beside the point. After saying, “I know you want to” I again replied: “No, I’m shy and I’m not really like that anymore.”

After a few more minutes of small talk he said to me: “okay, so are we going to do this now.” And again, I said “no.” He continued by telling me that I only like attention and I enjoy playing hard to get which is annoying to him. The conversation ended by him saying he was going to bed.

To be honest, all of this left me feeling pretty shitty. From an eating disorder stand-point, I hate my body and don’t even want to think about anyone seeing it, touching it, or imagining it. From a strong woman that don’t need no man stand-point I was livid. Why the hell did I just spend 26 minutes telling a man that I was not interested in doing anything with him? Why the hell couldn’t he take no for an answer? Why the hell did he try to use my past to convince me that I should explore our relationship sexually? Why the hell can he not be interested in my life without the thought of seeing me naked?

I’m pretty disgusted.

I talk a lot about love and boys and finding the perfect man. However, I always talk about that in the sense of being understood, loved, and cared for. I never talk about or really think about it in a sexual way. Tonight it sucked to feel like someone was interested in me just to find out it was for my body. It also sucked that this person I’ve known and trusted felt the need to keep asking when I said no to the original question. To add to the frustration, he insulted my character by saying I only like attention.

In this eating disorder life, all I feel like I have is my character and my vulnerability. Both, tonight, crushed by someone who was only focused on a very surface level part of me.

It feels somewhat ironic to say that because my eating disorder is very surface level but Ashlyn, the girl living with the eating disorder is not. Ashlyn is a pretty strong gal who needs connection. Emotional connection. Genuine connection. Sexual connection isn’t bad but it’s not everything.

This has been a pretty eye-opening night for me and is really making me reconsider how I interact with the boys my age. I want to present myself as someone who is way more than a body. I want to be seen as someone with a big caring heart that fights for both herself and others. In this pain and frustration I will fight to stay aligned with my values and show myself in the light I want to be seen.

Men might be trash but I sure as hell am not.