the ballad of love and hate

I hate myself. Shocker, right?

Less than a week into my current relationship, I told myself that I’m not good at relationships. I feel like I’m always letting my boyfriend down; I’m too emotional or too distant. I talk too much or I’m too much in my head. I feel like no matter what I’m taking up too much space.

The truth is, I don’t necessarily think I’m bad at relationships but, I do think they challenge me when I hate being challenged.

This past weekend has been one full of reflection. My boyfriend was out of town from Friday to Sunday and I was a bitch to him almost the whole time. Friday morning, when I saw him, I was really distant and in a horrible mood. Every single time someone I care about leaves, or I have to leave someone I care about, I become so distant. It’s like I’m trying to ruin the relationship in case we never see each other again. I even do it to my parents.

I have spent all weekend trying to identify what purpose that serves for me. I’ve thought of a lot of different ways it could, in some capacity, serve me but only one has really stood out and it is that I hate myself.

I grew up living a narrative (in my head, made by me) that I was not enough. I did not feel like I was good enough to be a member of my family, to be on the sports teams I was on, to get the grades I got- nothing. I was not enough. I have told myself that so many times that it is still a narrative I live out. I don’t feel enough for anything or anyone even now. It comes out the most when I’m alone.

When someone leaves, even if I know they are coming back, I’m worried that they’ll decide that I’m not worth it. My biggest fear is that other’s will see me the same way I see myself. When I think of who I am, I see a loud, obnoxious, selfish, pretentious, bitchy, entitled, girl who wears bright pink to get attention that she doesn’t deserve. I think so negatively of myself that it makes me physically sick thinking that others have to experience me. I don’t want others to see me in this ‘waste of space, lackluster, bratty’ way that I see myself.

When I am actively around people it challenges the beliefs I have about myself. My parents sure as hell wouldn’t put up with a kid like that and my boyfriend would certainly not spend time with me or date me if I was that way. In a sense, I have to believe that I am a better person than I think I am when I’m around others. But when I’m alone, there is no positive influence to combat the horrible thoughts.

I quite literally imagine the thoughts going through other peoples head that I am this disgusting being when they are not in my presence. The thought that someone else believes what I believe about myself is so unbearable that I either 1. seek constant reassurance that they’re not thinking about me so negatively or 2. I give them an “out.” In the case of my boyfriend, I’ll openly say that he can and should try to do better than me. That way we both have the space to agree that I’m a horrible person and he can get away to find the incredible woman that he sincerely deserves.

It’s never so black and white, though, is it?

Want to know where the truth lies? When my boyfriend goes on trips or I leave my parents, they’re not thinking negative things about me. They aren’t analyzing every inch of who I am and wondering how they got stuck with me. They’re trying to enjoy their lives. But, when my insecurity creeps in, without me even realizing, and starts throwing daggers in every direction it opens everyone up to see more negative sides of me. No one wants to constantly justify their feelings or deescalate situations that don’t exist. When I leave people without showing how much I care but instead pushing them away, I make them feel far less than loved. For someone who loves everyone, I am so terrified to show it.

I want to challenge myself to demand more from myself. I don’t want to need so much control or assurance. I want to sit in more discomfort. I want to be shocked when people leave, not when they stay. I want to be able to tell people how I feel about them before it is a crisis.

I have so much work to do on myself.