i need to need help

What? I’m an adult now?

Being someone who heavily identifies as anorexic, my life centers around being helped. When I’m my sickest, everyone wants to coddle me. My parents are constantly on guard making sure I’m okay, my outpatient team meets with me multiple times a week to support me, and eventually I go to treatment becoming completely dependent on the professionals there. I have always craved that attention.

But now that I’m somewhat healthy…I’m… adulting?

I don’t need people as much. In fact, I’ve grown up more in the past two months than I have in twenty plus years.

In two months I have fallen for someone and had my heartbroken without compensating by starving. That’s probably the biggest deal but I’ve also planned trips with my friends (very very new to me), had my car break down, and been to the hospital ALONE.

Seemingly easy things for a girl in college away from home but they were some of my biggest fears.

I hate going to and from school alone because I’m always terrified that my car will breakdown and I’ll get stuck. Well, well, well if the world didn’t test me in the Target parking lot 10 miles away from my college home. My battery died. What the hell was I supposed to do? Normally I would freak out but I was surprisingly calm.. I think I got that from my dad who is decently calm in those situations. He has taught me that you can’t fix it, you just have to adapt and do the next best thing. So I called him, he told me to see if I could jump the car and if not, call a tow truck. WELL DADDDDD, you can’t jump a car by yourself. So, after two weeks of living with strangers, I had to call a roommate and she if she would help (another scary social anxiety nightmare.) But I did and our two dumb-blonde selves tried to figure it out. We couldn’t get it going but some creepy man walked up with a wrench, worked magic and my car was jumped. I then had to take it to a shop by myself and figure the rest out from there.

ASHLYN: 1 misfortune:0

Oh, but then this week, I started vomiting blood. I’m a hypochondriac so I always think I’m dying but I knew that was a pretty bad sign. I called my parents to see what to do and I went to the urgent care. Not sure why they even bothered to take my information but they took my vitals and sent in a doctor who didn’t ask questions but told me to go to the ER. There is literally nothing scarier for a person with health anxiety than being told to go to the ER alone. However, I hopped in the car with my only source of connection (my phone) at 7% and off I went. I signed myself in and proceeded to be poked my the hospital “vampire” as he called himself. I was lucky that nothing more than my pre-existing conditions was going on but still a very adult, scary situation for the girl who is convinced she can’t do anything for herself.

ASHLYN:2 misfortune:0

And then with the whole men situation. They suck. The same one keeps coming and going and very well may be the most complicated, confusing person ever but I’m dealing with it. I’m learning to accept people where they are and just be friends. Guy friends are fun too…dare I say, sometimes even better!

The thing I’m learning is, yes, I still need my parents, I call them an inappropriate amount of times but I can handle things on my own. I can calm myself in the Target parking lot when I think I’m going to have to ride in a tow truck with a strange man. I can handle the anxiety of sitting alone in an emergency room. I can handle this life.

Even more so, I’m learning how empowering it is to handle these things while having support. It’s incredible to have girls who will trash talk the boys that make me sad then support me when I claim he’s DifFEreNt the next day. It’s incredible to have friends offer to sit with me in the emergency room even when they have other commitments. It’s incredible to have people come to my rescue when I’m stranded with a malfunctioning car. The stress of planning trips is even better when I know it means I’ll have fun with the ones I love.

A life in recovery is terrifying. I’ve never been more anxious and scared but ironically I’ve never been more loved and supported. Everyday my friend group is growing. My support system is bigger I ever thought was possible. I even have a best friend now. My weekends are booked and my heart is full.

I need support but I don’t need or want coddling right now and that is new. That is growth.