God’s Speed
I used to be super religious. I went to God camp for multiple summers through middle and high school, I went to Bible study during the school year, I was a leader in my church youth group, and I spent most of my time with my religious friends.
Things have changed.
Nothing really tears you from faith quite like living a life of hating yourself and starving to near death. I often find myself questioning why in the world God gave me this battle? Why would He make a creature that hates herself so much? Why would He give the pain and grief to someone who can barely handle it?
I don’t know the answer. I don’t try to know; it makes me mad when I think about it.
Nowhere did God say that life would be easy, but He didn’t say it would be this hard either. Christmas Eve of 2019 was pretty difficult for me. I’m not one hundred percent sure why but that day was full of a lot of tears. Some of them came from the yearly realization that my grandfather wouldn’t be joining us for Christmas. More came from visiting my grandfather’s grave, leaving him his favorite Lindor truffles, and apologizing to him that he has to watch me live this way.
And then, some came from the anger I have towards the God who promises prosperity for those who follow him. Like dude, I’ve been following you for years, I slept in the middle of the woods on a hiking trip -and this girl doesn’t like the outdoors- just for YOU. Also, side note, I do not mean that offensively to more conservative Christians, I have always talked in very modern language to God, often beginning my prayers with: “hey God.” But then again, maybe my friendly outlook on our relationship is the problem? I don’t know what more I’m supposed to do.
The boy I’ve been talking to doesn’t seem that interested, it is taking me forever to progress in my degree, and every single day I wake up dreading thinking about, seeing, and existing in my own body. Granted, school and men aren’t too important, but there are other things that just seem to suck; I’ll keep those between me and Him.
There are a lot of actions in my life, beyond my eating disorder, that I need to change. I’ve started praying more. It wouldn’t hurt me to pick up a Bible or call my campus ministry friends back. I know I’m not the perfect Christian. I know God has his own perfect plan for me; I just wish my perfect plan was His plan too. I’m sure I’ll look back in a few years and see how much better things are because God isn’t letting me convince him to change His will for me. Sometimes, I just wish He’d let me get my way. I’m pretty stubborn if you haven’t caught on to that yet.
But God made this body to do wondrous things and He’s not finished with me yet. So, for now, I’m moving at God’s speed and may His will be done in my life on His time.
***I want to add that I know my life could be so much worse. My life is a blessing and having loved ones around who support me is not something everyone can say. I am in no means trying to complain or have self-pity. These are my frustrations and my thoughts but I try to appreciate every second; I know they aren’t guaranteed.
