Fearless
The word “fearless” means a lot of different things to a lot of different people. For most, it is a word of empowerment. Think about it, fearless… its a wild concept. To be completely free of fear? That’s a daydream. I’m terrified of pretty much everything so it’s not a reality I can even imagine for myself. However, that’s not what fearless means to me.
When I hear the word “fearless,” it brings me to a very particular time in my life. Mid- November 2008 to be exact; I was nine years old. An overwhelmed, very fearful, nine year old. I had just lost a lot of really close friends for a reason I did not know. “Adult stuff that’s not your fault,” was the only answer I could get as to why my best friends, who continued to live right next to me, stopped talking to me, being my friend, and even went on to spread rumors about little Ash. But don’t pity me. Fearless came into my life and helped me.
I’m not talking about the word “fearless,” I’m talking about Taylor Swift’s sophomore album. Let me first say, whether due to the time in my life when the album was released, or just my impeccable taste in music, I live by the fact that Fearless is one of the best albums ever released. So back to the meaning of this album. Or should I start with my story as a die-hard swiftie? That story is fun so let’s get into it.
I can picture exactly what road I was on, in my dad’s gold Toyota Hylander, the first time I heard the song “Teardrops On My Guitar.” For those unfortunate souls that don’t know, this was one of Taylor’s (yes, we’re on a first name basis) first songs to hit the top 100. When I heard the song on the radio, I immediately told my family, “This song isn’t even that good, she’s too overrated.” LOL baby Ashlyn, so young, so immature. Get ready for the Taylor Swift ride of your life.
It was September 5, 2009 when I went to my first Taylor show, on the fearless tour actually. By this time I was obsessed with Taylor and no longer had the judgement that she was overrated. This was her first tour, I went to the first and I’ve been to at least one show on all of her tours since. Weird flex but okay. Anyways, my entire family (even my 13 year old brother) packed ourselves up and headed to Charlotte, NC to see the show. I remember the hotel I was in, I remember going to and leaving the show, and I even still have the t-shirt I got at the concert. It was magical. I knew every word and danced the entire night. To be completely honest and I swear I’m not exaggerating, this is my first memory of happiness. I don’t remember how I felt in my body that night the way I remember how my body felt months earlier at a difference concert, I only remember how my heart felt. Beautifully euphoric, drifting away in a sea of purple sparkles and breakup songs. (I was nine but already hated men since they had clearly wronged my idol, Miss Taylor Swift.) I remember feeling this extreme sense of loss when the concert was over, something that I have felt at the end of her other shows. It was like this bliss I was living in for those four hours were over. Well, they were literally over, but the feeling was gone too. I remember leaving Charlotte the next morning visualizing Taylor on her tour bus. I remember wondering if she was still in the same city as my broken heart or if she snuck off to her next show under the cover of darkness. I wondered if she knew that my life was a mess away from that show. I wondered if she knew that she had given me a sense of healing in our time together the night before. I wondered if she knew that my healing was gone and I was back to brokenness when she left the stage.
My dad had still hurt me, my brother still hated me, my mom still confused me, and I was disgusted with myself. But that night I felt so, well, fearless. I was experiencing my first major high followed by my first major low. As I think and write about it, this might be the first addictive mindset I ever had. I needed more of that feeling. I needed more of this thing that made me so different than I was in my day-to-day life. I worshiped Taylor in the years to come and I still do. I longed for that feeling and luckily, I’ve been able to experience it ten more times since that day in 2009. I listen to Taylor daily and we’ve grown up together. Her parents have had problems, she’s used herself with men to find peace in her body, she’s had disordered eating, she’s cared so much about what people have thought of her: we’re so similar. I’ve had the thought more than once that I can’t commit suicide because I can’t miss a Taylor Swift album. This chick has literally saved my life more than once. I know that sounds crazy but y’all, that’s the power of music sometimes.
To be completely honest, I’ve sort of lost my train of thought and now I’m in a spiral of remembering the intense happiness of the eleven Taylor shows I’ve been to. But in the end, a lot of people think I’m some crazy, psycho girl for being 20+ and still staning the queen I grew up loving. That may be true but it’s also a relationship I’ve formed and worked for. She is a person I love and her music is a way for me to feel understood. That to me is fearless. Putting yourself out there, being heard and hearing others; sharing your story so someone else can feel less alone. That’s what I’m trying to do with this blog, be fearless.
