dAtINg
Dating? Ew. Commitment. Ew.
I want it? I don’t want it?
A boy likes me? Boys hate me?
Why is it that as soon as a boy wants a relationship with me I am immediately opposed to it? And why the hell is it that as soon as a guy makes it clear that he is not interested in a relationship I all the sudden NEED him?
Oh yeah that’s right I am a mother freaking walking dialectic. I want what I can’t have. Pretty human nature but as usual, I take it to the extreme.
I hate pain. Well, I don’t mind physical pain but I cannot live with emotional pain. Somewhere along the line of life I learned that I am not strong enough to handle emotional pain so I avoid it at absolutely all costs. I didn’t grow up in the most nurturing environment, my parents were great and I love them, but I was making my own breakfast and packing my own lunch by second grade, something I didn’t realize was kind of unusual until recently. But anyways, it wasn’t all bedtime stories and goodnight kisses.
I was unsure of love and nurture growing up. Certain things changed my view of what was important to men and that men can be scary and HUGE sources of emotional pain. I’m not talking about my heartbreak from Taylor Swift songs, I’m talking about legitimate men I put trust into absolutely shattering my emotional well-being. You don’t bounce back from trauma quickly and I am not exception.
Without getting too far into it I’m just now learning that all men aren’t trash. Lots are don’t get me wrong. Ladies, Chad from Alpha Theta Apple Pie Delta who just did a line off of some girls tits then came and told you that you’re the prettiest woman alive is trash. But the man who gets to know you, learns what makes you happy, avoids what makes you sad, doesn’t push you past your physical limits, he’s not trash. He’s not perfect either. His voice isn’t always going to make you swoon. He’s not always going to say the right thing or let you get away with your bullshit but he is going to love you, and love you right.
Side note: I guess I’m not extremely hopeless, I literally cried this week (I never do that) thinking about the fact that there is (hopefully) a man out there that doesn’t know me praying for me and our future. Let that sink in. Throw on an emotional song and think of some cutie out there praying for your well-being as you go through hell because he already loves you. DAMN.
Anyways, here comes the tricky part. That man can’t love me until I accept that this body I am in is the vessel that carries my personality, my stupid laugh, my disgusting sense of humor, my quirks, and my heartache. It is what someone will come to love me for. I have to love that too. By not loving myself I’m insulting everyone who does love me. I’m saying their standards are too low or that they have no “taste,” and would I ever actually say that to someone? HELL NO. I need to start loving myself because along with the people around me, there’s a man out there that’s so in love with me and if he’s who I think he will be, his heart would be broken to see I don’t love myself. How can you start a relationship off by already breaking someone’s heart?
Que “She Will Be Loved” By Maroon 5
