blushing all the way home

It’s my favorite day of the year! A day of everything red, pink, and heart shaped! For the first time, maybe ever, I won’t be spending it alone :) You got that right, I have a boyfrienddd… and he’s like really hot too.

I’ve recently started dating someone who might be the best person I’ve ever met. We are two (healthy) inseparable peas in a pod. He takes all of my sass and throws it right back at me, refuses to laugh at my dumb jokes just to tell even worse jokes, he makes me feel so much safer in a relationship than I ever have, he even lets me play all my Taylor Swift in the car.… it feels so good

But we all know my brain. It terrifies me. Happiness scares me.

I didn’t tell my parents that we were seeing each other right off the bat because I was scared. I didn’t really tell anyone because I was scared. I feel really happy right now; I feel like this is the healthiest relationship I’ve ever had… genuinely, I’m not even just saying it. I’m with someone who cares about me, who wants to be around me and only me, who isn’t only focused on my body or sex; someone who doesn’t make me prove my worth to him but instead, seems to just see it.

Naturally, I’m terrified it will go away. I have a huge fear of attachment and abandonment. I don’t want to get attached and end up abandoned, especially by someone who makes my usual heartless self get butterflies just thinking about them.

Honestly, it doesn’t come from a place of thinking he would do that. I don’t think he would just get up and leave one day- I think so much higher of him than that. It comes exclusively from thinking that abandonment is what I deserve. There is a huge element of me waiting for the other shoe to drop, like I am finally feeling really good so I have to be anxiously awaiting what will go wrong.

There has to be a catch.

Sometimes it feels like I am waiting for him to see me the way I see myself: as a worthless, annoying, gross being that anyone could do better than. It’s hard to accept affection and care when I don’t think I deserve it.

AND, it is something I am trying so hard to work on. More than anything, I do not want my insecurity and past traumas to ruin this very very great thing I have right now. I am, and will continue to, try so hard to enjoy it and enjoy this crazy man who decided that I am worth it.

I guess maybe my perception of myself isn’t always right. Maybe I’m not always right…. but if anyone ever claims I said that, I’ll deny it ;)