Attachment

Who’s the queen of attachment issues??? If you guess this chick, you win. It’s me. I’m that bitch.

So what exactly does it mean to be THE queen of attachment issues? Well I’m way too emotionally attached to things/people I shouldn’t be but I’m inappropriately detached from the things/people I should be.

Examples oh queen, the people are still confused.

I just finished watching Outer Banks. Basic, I know. I watched the first episode with my mom and we both agreed it wasn’t great. Thennnnn in my boredom I decided to keep watching. By episode two I loved the main character, John B. Within the next few episodes, I wanted him. I was obsessed. EMOTIONALLY ATTACHED. I kid you not when I say that when John B. was in trouble, my body was experiencing physical symptoms of anxiety. I was concerned for a fictional character. When he went through a misunderstanding with his girlfriend, I had to stop watching because I wanted him to be happy and it stressed me out that she couldn’t understand the truth. I was genuinely troubled and even had thoughts trying to figure out how she could know the truth sooner so that John B. could have the love he deserved. Y’ALL (though this may be the mark of a good show) ITS NOT NORMAL TO FEEL THAT WAY TO THE EXTENT THAT I DID.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, I can’t sit on the same couch as my dad without feeling weird. I don’t want hugs from him, I don’t want to be sat next to, I don’t want him to do nice things for me. He has NEVER done anything to make me feel unsafe or uncomfortable but there’s something about letting someone so important in my life have any emotional control over me.

Ironically, as I’m sure you’ve experienced if you’ve read my blog, I love the idea of being loved. More specifically, I love the idea of perfect love. In my issues with attachment I find myself obsessed with people, characters, celebrities, ect. because they can’t actually get close to me. They’ll never be close enough to me for me to see their imperfections so I can create this perfect fantasy of love with them. However, my dad, potential boyfriends, regular friends, can get close to me. I will see the imperfections of the people in my life whether I look for them or not. Similarly to what I said in a prior post, no one is ever going to say the perfect thing all the time. Their eyes aren’t going to make me melt when I look into them and I’m pretty sure looking cute when you’re mad isn’t a real thing.

So I attach myself emotionally to the things that are perfect, movies with fairy tale endings after huge misunderstandings. Characters who are so broken but I feel like I see the whole story and love them for who they really are. Or artists who write beautiful music saying the perfect words at all the right times. These “people” are predictable, my emotional well-being isn’t at risk. Their music won’t change, the ending of the movie will always be the same, the character was written to be beautifully tragic. I see it coming and I know whatever pain is involved will end.

Somehow I need to teach myself that real people work this way too. Every relationship is not going to last but its possible that better will come or that conflict will resolve. My emotions might change and I might get hurt but I have to learn that hurt doesn’t have to last forever. I need to accept that no relationship will be perfect, perfect isn’t real.

When discussing some my attachment issues with my mom she asked, “So, what are you going to do about it?”

Honestly, I have no clue what I’m going to do about it but I’m sure it’ll make for a great conversation in therapy.

SIDE NOTE: I have a tshirt being delivered today that says “I would die for John B”