addiction.

Please bear with me as this may be one of my most honest and vulnerable posts. I threw on my NEDA t-shirt to help give me strength as I type some of the darker sides of myself. Though I assume there will be judgement, as I judge myself, I ask you read with an open mind.

Addiction is a strong word. So is obsession. Unfortunately, I struggle with both.

Recently, a very important person in my life has been somewhat forced to deal with their own addiction. As I’ve watched this person struggle for years, my heart has broken as I’ve seen their potential be suppressed by their dependence on substances. I participated in an intervention like meeting with this person and their loved ones as we essentially demanded that they stop using substances immediately. However, as days have passed it has been overwhelming how hypocritical this was of me.

It comes as no surprise that I’m rather obsessed with my eating disorder, you could even say I’m addicted to the feeling of starvation. Something about the burning in my stomach feels so good. But next to that, I’ve become addicted to nicotine.

Early this year I started vaping. It was eating disorder motivated as I bought a JUUL to curb my appetite but it also filled time of boredom at school. It felt pretty innocent to be honest, I mean what person my age hasn’t hit a JUUL out of curiosity. It was pretty unusual behavior for me as I am absolutely terrified of most substances. Hell, I’m terrified of food much less drugs. I like to be in control and substances alter the body and thus, my sense of control is lost. With that being said, nicotine doesn’t give a high of marijuana or the drunkenness of alcohol but it does buzz the body and alter the mind.

side note: I also hate spending my own money and let me tell you, vaping is far from cheap.

As time went on, I was vaping more and more. I was going through a JUUL pod a day which has the nicotine equivalency of smoking a pack of cigarettes a day; sometimes I would vape more. I began vaping on campus which makes me so embarrassed. I was clouded by the thought of getting skinny and looking “cool” that I was compromising my image along with my morals to get skinny/stay in my addiction. I relied so much on nicotine that when I left my JUUL at my brother’s apartment for less than 24 hours I had to go out and buy a new one.

I was also lying a lot. I didn’t tell my mom about my vape for a while and when I did I swore to her that I quit. I didn’t tell my dad for longer. I made my mom keep my secret which was very unfair of me and caused her to compromise her own honesty in her marriage.

I even told a very convincing lie to my therapist about quitting.

In my mom’s eyes, I’ve quit three times. But I haven’t quit once. I lied to the three adults I trust and care for the most. I value my parents. I value their support and trust. I value the trust and honesty of the relationship between me and my therapist but this damn chemical kept me from being true to myself. It pisses me off when I think about it.

I’m a neuroscience and psychology double major. I value my brain. I value my health, believe it or not. I do not want to go into a profession of helping people with a huge secret of my own. I don’t want to compromise the trust I have in important relationships. I don’t want the important person in my life battling withdrawal and recovery alone.

Today, I am quitting. For real. Hold me to it. Unfortunately, I can’t do it alone. I will be giving my mom all three of my vapes, my pods and juice, my nicotine gum, my chargers, literally all of it because I need to be healthy. My top values are honesty, authenticity, and safety, all of which have been undermined my secret life of vaping in the bathroom or my bedroom or my car.

I’m so embarrassed but to be the person I want to be, I have to be honest. I have to own up to my struggles and stop from keeping secrets. I’m doing this for myself but I’m also doing it to fight along side the important person in my life. I want to lead by example. I want to practice what I preach and be a source of comfort. I want to be fearless.

As I go through my own withdrawal I will be leaning on my support system to help me. My anxiety is bad enough that this will be a rough time but it is the only way to become the authentic Ashlyn who is trustworthy and honest. It is the only way to be healthy and continue my eating disorder recovery. It is the only way I can help people and be a role model.

As Taylor Swift once sang: I have to “step into the daylight and let it go.”